How to Have Sex if You've Done it 10,000 Times

I wish there was something that could genuinely shock me. But there isn't.

In amongst all the stories of Fatty McMentalist throwing a drug induced hissy fit and bumbling about the studio like a drunken insomniac with a broken leg, I find this load of total and utter dog shit, courtesy of Manchester City Council.

It's a 47 page full colour guide explaining to members of our older generations how to insert a penis into one of those lady parts (complete with accompanying playtime tips and pre-requisite advice. Remember, you can't tell if someone has AIDS by looking at them. Mark in Eastenders, anyone? *ends sniggers*).

Having done their best to take the sexual shenanigans of teenagers out of parents' hands, it's now the turn of the olds to have the State take control.

Personally, I think it's just a fetish of theirs ;-)

Do You Have a Cunt in Your Street?

Whilst most of us still lucky enough to have jobs are being worked to death to pay the highest council taxes and mortgages of all time, some cunts are busying themselves grassing people up for "crimes" which would be fucking crimes if they weren't committed, if you know what I mean.

Some anal, undersexed, pointless, "why-don't-you-just-fuck-off-and-die" idiot, no doubt employed within the back offices of the bloated fucking public sector, has grassed up two women for babysitting each other's children whilst both were working part time.

This was because little-known rules say friends cannot gain a 'reward' by looking after a child for more than two hours outside the child's home without agreeing to a number of checks including one from the Criminal Records Bureau.

Although the mothers never paid each other, their job-sharing deal was judged to be a 'reward'. Campaigners fear thousands of working families could be innocently breaking the rules by relying on close friends for informal childcare.

What kind of person has this amount of time on their hands? How many of your ordinary folk on the street even knew of this law? Not many, if my informal pub-based survey of my friends is anything to go by. And it's no doubt entirely planned that way.

Could be a petty revenge attack by someone they knew (and had spent several hours trawling through a load of legislation), but if it transpired to be just some cunt working for the State who happened to know them both and their arrangements, it wouldn't surprise me one iota.

What Our Troops SHOULD Have Had. And What Our MPs Got

From the Telegraph:

£11,510,792 – total cost of second homes allowance claimed by MPs in 2007-08. Would pay for 38 Ridgeback armoured vehicles, costing £300,000 each

£25,411 – cost of private security patrols outside Soho home of Barbara Follett. Could have been spent on 13 pairs of ITTT night vision goggles at £1,900 each

£22,500 – dry rot treatment Margaret Moran claimed for home 100 miles from constituency. Would have bought 10 underslung grenade launchers worth £2,160 each

£9,000 – installation of Ikea kitchen at Gordon Brown’s Westminster flat. The same price as nine sets of £1,000 Osprey full body armour

£8,865 – price of 40in Bang & Olufsen television claimed for by Sir Gerald Kaufman. Could have been spent on four SA80 A2 rifles at £1,800 each

£2,225 – amount claimed on a 'corner group’ sofa by Bob Ainsworth. Would have bought 14 Hawke long-range binoculars, which cost £150 a pair

£2,115 – amount claimed by Douglas Hogg to clear the moat at his country home. More than the cost of a single £1,790 MINIMI machine gun

£1,645 – cost of 'Stockholm’ floating duck house bought by Sir Peter Viggers. Could have bought 23 pairs of ESS ballistic sunglasses

£598 – servicing of ride-on lawnmower claimed by Alan Duncan. Would have paid for 11 Mk 6 Kevlar helmets

£480 – amount spent on 22 silk cushions by Keith Vaz. Could have been spent on three pairs of LOWA Desert combat boots

Enough to make you totally and utterly fucking sick in the mouth, isn't it! And now the useless pant pissing wankers are making noises about "dealing with Iran" (i.e "sanctions" - H.T. Leg Iron). Just fucking leave it Labour, you couldn't win a fucking tombola!

What The Fucking Fuck!

Exactly how many nutcase groups is this silly cow a fucking "activist" for?

Fucking hell. I'm in the wrong job. And I do it too well.

I'm off to throw green shit in Mandelsnake's face, order a bunch of unwashed knobs to chain themselves to rusting old crap then I'm perming my hair for the subsequent photo opportunity.

Dizzy cow.

The MOB Gets Fed Up, Twats Twitter Tsar

I'm fucking annoyed as fuck.

I decided to Twitter Twat the government's Twitter Tweet Twat Tsar to see what she has to say on my retort to her fake fucking moaning about the Doncaster Mayor actually doing his fucking job properly.

Let's fucking see how long this fucking lasts before getting deleted.

So Fucking Close

For a minute there, I stupidly thought we'd got rid of that wig wearing wanker Bob the knob Ainsworth. No such fucking luck, the Hitler-moustached, soldier hating, wet pussy of a fucking Defence Secretary is very much still in office and it's in fact his aide, one Eric Joyce, who has handed in his notice.

He's a deluded cunt though. See below for evidence. He still thinks Labour can win an election! They couldn't win a fucking tombola unless the taxpayer funded it.

Mr Joyce, parliamentary private secretary to Mr Ainsworth, was critical of Government policy in Afghanistan and called for a reduction in the British commitment.

He said Labour would not win the next General Election until it got a 'grip' on defence and demanded an exit strategy from Afghanistan during the next Parliament.

On the day that two more British troops died, I really wish the fucking noose on this pathetic bunch of fucking troughers.

Mass Immigration - The Big Squash

Clapham High Street - 2026

An interesting and relevant article from the Telegraph:

And all but the most blindly obsessive enthusiasts for immigration recognise that such a level of immigration would mean that the whole of the South East would have to be concreted over, and the effects of squashing so many people into such a small space would make life intolerable for everyone.

Note that this is not a judgment on the cultural benefits or costs of immigration. It's simply an expression of the widely held opinion that it would be awful to have to live with that many people packed in together.

Even the projected population of 70 million people by 2028, most of whom will be in the South East (where the jobs are), is not a particularly enticing prospect. Yet no one in the Government is planning to do anything to stop it happening.

Still, as long as Alan Johnson doesn't lose any sleep over it. Same old Labour - when you piss the locals off, just import your fucking votership and hope the pesky natives just leave.

Useless cunts.

Bob Ainsworth is Still a Cunt

The alleged "Defence Secretary", Bob the Knob Ainsworth, refused to so much as send a letter of condolance to his friend whose son died in Labour's war. Of course, after a national fucking newspaper intervened he changed his tune. Not early enough to avoid being outed by the Mail though.

Still, he's not the only one.

He is still a wig-wearing-not-fit-to-shovel-shit cunt though.

CUNT!

Dog Has Shit

I just went out onto the main steps outside the office for a smoke.

Some pikey cunt had just let his mutt drop a fucking huge curly logger on said steps.

Dirty fucking bastard.

Now I'M Fucking Depressed

I always knew things would get much worse before they got better.

Here is why.

Do enjoy it as much as I did!

Fucking Labour scum.

Blacklisted Banned

The Citizens' Advice Bureau have banned the word "Blacklist" from correspondences and emails they circulate in their offices. Here are some more words and phrases the establishment could ban:

Blackberry, Whitewash, Yellow Fever, Brownfield, Redcurrent (we might offend sunburnt people), White phospherous, Black sheep...

You get the gist.

The Citizens' Advice Bureau "management" are language stealing cunts.

Cunt Watch: Union of Fascists

From last weekend (this blog didn't exist last weekend, although this is worth noting despite the age of the story).

The irony is just so lost on these commie-inspired, government funded, inherently fascist and bloody minded cunts.

Kick the fuck out of someone for disagreeing with you? Oh, definitely. That's fucking di-mok-ra-cay, right? Burn a British flag? I thought you cunts were fucking British. Join this fucking useless bunch of wound up menstrual fucktards and get your free assault pass today.

Unite Against Fascism are violent hypocritical cunts.

Fuck the fuck off.

BBC Does What It Does Best...

...wasting our fucking money on crap, that's what.

Defend this, you carin' sharin' lefty "spread-the-fuckin'-wealth" cunts!

There Are Circumstances in Which Beating the Shit Out of a Politician Can Be Justifiable

Click here to find out why.

Cunt.

Labour - Change We See

Possibly the smallest PR campaign in the world, ever. Period.

On the campaign's Flickr page I counted all of FIVE different photo contributors - one of whom is discreetly named "Labour". Not a bad turn out for a country with a population of pushing 65 million.

Don't forget to send a picture of your best dole queue shot!

Labour are useless YouTube Flickr cunts.

So Fucking Angry - Again!

Yet more action in the land of fucking pikey. This time a couple of fucking benefit scrounging, misbehaving, lying, pissed up, vandalising racist cunts accusing all-and-sundry of being racist cunts. Un-fucking-believable.

What I struggle to get my head around is the fact that people who choose to live in this way (i.e. like fucking thieving scum) get to have their own fucking "race". What the twatting fuck? Does anyone accuse those who slate bankers or businessmen of racism? Didn't fucking think so.

Cheers Labour, you fat cunts.

Pointless Tossers - And I Don't Mean Labour, Lib Dems or the Tories

I got to work this morning, as per the usual routine and opened the window due to the air con being fucked yet a-twatting-gain. The best time for air con to be fucked is in the middle of August.

Well what do you twatting know! One of these pointless cunts crashes in through the 6 inch gap, no doubt after a bit of Mr. C's muscular batty, I dare say.

We had a standoff. After around 10 seconds it vacated my computer keyboard and loosely pursued me around the office before the quick thinking Mr. C gave the fucker some of this:

Turns out this shit just makes them go all insane and hyperangry (much like a Hamas terrorist who has just caught fire or a pikey in Primark). I then got stung twice. Fucking fucker fuck fucked.

That will be all!