Shoppers From Hell

You'll never guess the what's upsetting Mr. Cunt tonight... Yep, I just went to the fucking supermarket.

Anyway, here's a list of things I fucking hate about fucking supermarkets:

What the fuck is so fucking super about them?

So I get in, I'm through the main doors and I grab my basket (The MOB doesn't buy in bulk...). Off I head towards where the oatmeal bread ought to be when all of a sudden I'm obstructed by some fat shit with a large trolley deliberating over which fucking variety of fucking Mighty White he wants to buy. I mean what the hell? There's about 6p difference between the two, just pick the one up that's closest and fuck the fuck off. It took me a full 2 minutes to get my loaf and even then all I plan to do is insert uncrunchy peanut butter between the slices and take the sorry fuckers to work, by which time they'll be squashed and crumpled like an unironed cotton t-shirt fresh out of bankrupt stock.

Fat Wankers

Why is everyone in the alleged supermarket so fucking fat? I used to subscribe to all that bullshit fat people told us normal people about their metabolism, hormones and whatever other excuses are in fashion this week according to the fucking Guardian. Have you seen how full their fucking trolleys are with cakes and shit? Don't beat about the bush, bollocks - you eat shitloads and do no fucking exercise. That's why you're so fucking fat.

Foreigners

We have these quaint buildings in England called pubs. Usually old buildings with signs on them as well as a blackboard denoting a menu and drinks list of some kind. This is where we socialise after work, not the pissing delicatessen isle of fucking Tesco. Get the fuck out of my way, piss off home and watch your preferred choice of prime time reality shite on fucking television (with subtitles to explain the dumbed down shit if necessary). Fuck the fuck off.

Old Age Pensioners

Listen, I know you're ready and waiting in God's waiting room, have paid your taxes and worked 40 odd years, but does the average dentist put his/her patients in the fruit and veg isle of Sainsbury's? No, and neither does God. So stop stopping here. Stop blocking off the food that's going to hopefully NOT help me live as long as you (without being anything like as irritating, to boot) and piss off to the local coffee morning. Failing that, there's a bargain basement Shearings coach holiday to Hastings. Go on it and don't feel obliged to come back. This town sucks, you're better off dead.

Chavs

Seriously, why don't you cunts just eat shit and fucking die? There's always some cunty chav fuck with a garish pink pushchair in the way of the multi pack Twix bars I'm trying to get to as part of my non-nutritious breakfast. Take your shitty fucking benefits kids with stupid fucking names with you, cash your fucking giro and fucking die. While you're at it, get the fuck out of my way and let me get to the fucking whisky. If you feel as bad as you look, do me a favour and spend my taxes on organic facial products so you don't look so fucking ugly. Fuck the fuck off.

Staff

Listen, you're fucking 15, so don't ask me for ID unless you want this otherwise perfectly functional, shiny, glistening Jacob's Creek (bloody good brand) bottle propping up your left earlobe. I know you've got a duty of care to "society" (whatever that bullshit is) but I've got a carpet growing out of my fucking nose. Do you seriously think I'm underage??? Oh, and is a driving licence not ID anymore? Where's that fat cunt Jacqui Smith when you've got a pissing question at 5:30pm? Piss the fuck off.